{"id":56,"date":"2006-01-31T11:43:00","date_gmt":"2006-01-30T23:43:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.unfoldingleadership.com\/blog\/?p=56"},"modified":"2011-06-06T15:12:24","modified_gmt":"2011-06-06T22:12:24","slug":"fifth-practice-discussing-undiscussables","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.unfoldingleadership.com\/blog\/?p=56","title":{"rendered":"Fifth Practice: Discussing Undiscussables"},"content":{"rendered":"

Hear Dan read this post.<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

For more con\u00adtext on this post\u00ading, please see:<\/p>\n

The Prac\u00adtice of Leadership<\/a>
\nEight Lead\u00ader\u00adship Practices<\/a>
\nFirst Prac\u00adtice: Know\u00ading Your Lead\u00ader\u00adship Edge<\/a>
\nSec\u00adond Prac\u00adtice: Devel\u00adop\u00ading Your Com\u00adfort Lev\u00adel with Feedback<\/a>
\nThird Prac\u00adtice: Car\u00ading for Self<\/a>
\nFourth Prac\u00adtice: Lead\u00ader\u00adship and Influence<\/a>
\nSixth Prac\u00adtice: On Collaborating<\/a>
\nSev\u00adenth Prac\u00adtice: Per\u00adson\u00adal Integrity<\/a>
\nEighth Prac\u00adtice: Spir\u00adi\u00adtu\u00adal Perspective<\/a><\/p>\n

<\/a>So what is an \u201cundis\u00adcuss\u00adable\u201d?<\/p>\n

An undis\u00adcuss\u00adable is a work-relat\u00aded prob\u00adlem that peo\u00adple hes\u00adi\u00adtate to address with those who can do some\u00adthing about it. It isn\u2019t that peo\u00adple don\u2019t talk about undis\u00adcuss\u00adables. They talk about them fre\u00adquent\u00adly \u2014 in the hall\u00adways and park\u00ading lots, bath\u00adrooms and across the cubi\u00adcles. But it isn\u2019t with the per\u00adson or the peo\u00adple most often asso\u00adci\u00adat\u00aded with the issues. AKA<\/span> \u201cthe dead moose on the table,\u201d it\u2019s what peo\u00adple come out of a meet\u00ading to share with one anoth\u00ader pri\u00advate\u00adly that should have been part of the agenda.<\/p>\n

Undis\u00adcuss\u00adables are more than just sen\u00adsi\u00adtive top\u00adics; they are the \u201csecrets every\u00adone knows\u201d and they can be incred\u00adi\u00adbly dis\u00adrup\u00adtive to trust in rela\u00adtion\u00adships and the whole process of get\u00adting work done. Some of the most com\u00admon top\u00adics are how peo\u00adple feel treat\u00aded by their boss\u00ades, whether their peers are pulling their weight, unrea\u00adson\u00adable work\u00adloads and dead\u00adlines, ten\u00adsions around diver\u00adsi\u00adty, ten\u00adsions around work\u00ading styles, com\u00adpen\u00adsa\u00adtion \u2014 all kinds of stuff that peo\u00adple con\u00adsid\u00ader not smart to deal with too direct\u00adly and open\u00adly. We\u2019ve learned to keep these issues behind the scenes because of our fears of reper\u00adcus\u00adsions from speak\u00ading up. Some\u00adtimes those reper\u00adcus\u00adsions are fear of los\u00ading per\u00adson\u00adal cred\u00adi\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adty and rep\u00adu\u00adta\u00adtion by being labeled (the terms, \u201ctrou\u00adble-mak\u00ader\u201d or \u201chigh main\u00adte\u00adnance\u201d come to mind) and some\u00adtimes the fear is just that it won\u2019t do any good to be \u201cthe mes\u00adsen\u00adger.\u201d Either the mes\u00adsen\u00adger gets shot or the mes\u00adsage just falls on deaf ears.<\/p>\n

While not every\u00adthing needs to be laid bare in group set\u00adtings, I believe there are sit\u00adu\u00ada\u00adtions, many more per\u00adhaps than we\u2019d like to believe, where it is up to the leader to get a tough issue on the table. It takes courage and patience, along with sen\u00adsi\u00adtiv\u00adi\u00adty. But it may be the only way to build the bridge forward.<\/p>\n

\"goldengate\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I recall an expe\u00adri\u00adence work\u00ading with a small import\/export firm that did a high vol\u00adume of trade. Because of the nature of their busi\u00adness, they rarely got togeth\u00ader face to face. The dif\u00adfer\u00adent inter\u00adnal teams, espe\u00adcial\u00adly Order Pro\u00adcess\u00ading and Sales, were in fre\u00adquent con\u00adflict. The two own\u00aders of the com\u00adpa\u00adny took the risk at their annu\u00adal meet\u00ading to open the door to deal\u00ading with this undis\u00adcuss\u00adable con\u00adflict \u2014 which of course they had been hear\u00ading about in the back\u00adground a lot. There were about 40 peo\u00adple from all depart\u00adments in the room. Sales was clus\u00adtered on one side of the room, Order Proces\u00adsors on the oth\u00ader. The own\u00aders were ner\u00advous about get\u00adting start\u00aded. When I had prob\u00adlems with the over\u00adhead pro\u00adjec\u00adtor, they both lept up to bus\u00adtle around me with their indi\u00advid\u00adual fix\u00ades, quib\u00adbling with each oth\u00ader about what to do.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how the open\u00ading of this con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion went, in a con\u00addensed form:<\/p>\n

Junior Order Proces\u00adsor (very sin\u00adcere): \u201cWell, I\u2019d like to be the first to speak because I know exact\u00adly what all of you in Sales think of me. You think I\u2019m a screw up and, you know, the fact is that when I first start\u00aded, I real\u00adly did\u00adn\u2019t know what I was doing. My com\u00adput\u00ader kept break\u00ading down, too, which did\u00adn\u2019t help mat\u00adters. I was way over my head and I kept mak\u00ading the same mis\u00adtakes. It was awful. There were a lot of days I thought about quit\u00adting but I hung in there because I thought it might get better\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

(Ner\u00advous laugh\u00adter in group)<\/p>\n

Sales Man\u00adag\u00ader: \u201cWow. Uh, I\u2019m a lit\u00adtle stunned. I thought you\u2019d be real\u00adly defensive\u2026I\u2019m sur\u00adprised you are tak\u00ading so much account\u00adabil\u00adi\u00adty. It\u2019s not what I expect\u00aded. And believe me, I do know we have made things worse for you on occa\u00adsion our\u00adselves. I guess when peo\u00adple are mak\u00ading mis\u00adtakes in OP<\/span>, over here we kind of use that as an excuse to go on the rampage.\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Junior Order Proces\u00adsor: \u201cI want you to know I did\u00adn\u2019t blame you. I knew you were blam\u00ading me and I would have done the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

(Sev\u00ader\u00adal back and forths here as the Order Proces\u00adsors and Sales Team share some obser\u00adva\u00adtions of times when there were prob\u00adlems. There\u2019s ten\u00adsion in the air because it reminds peo\u00adple of some pret\u00adty bad days. Every\u00adbody else from dif\u00adfer\u00adent depart\u00adments is as silent as can be).<\/p>\n

Owner#1: \u201cWell, let me just ask a ques\u00adtion here, how is it you were so over\u00adwhelmed? Was\u00adn\u2019t there help available?\u201d<\/p>\n

Junior Order Proces\u00adsor: \u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019ve been try\u00ading to say. There was\u00adn\u2019t any\u00adbody around who could answer my ques\u00adtions. There was\u00adn\u2019t any\u00adbody to call. My boss was always over\u00adloaded and, as you know, she works on the oth\u00ader side of the world. I was kind of plopped down in a chair in front of a screen and told to \u201cjust do it \u2014 you\u2019ll fig\u00adure it out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Owner#2: \u201cWith\u00adout train\u00ading of any kind?\u201d<\/p>\n

Junior Order Proces\u00adsor: \u201cThat\u2019s right, no train\u00ading. That\u2019s why I don\u2019t blame the Sales peo\u00adple. I\u2019d have been mad, too, if I\u2019d had to work with me.\u201d<\/p>\n

(A few chuck\u00adles rip\u00adple across the room).<\/p>\n

Owner#1 (Turn\u00ading to the HR<\/span> Direc\u00adtor for the firm): \u201cWhat\u2019s hap\u00adpened to our train\u00ading pro\u00adgram? Don\u2019t we have a train\u00ading pro\u00adgram for Order Proces\u00adsors? I thought we had a train\u00ading program!\u201d<\/p>\n

HR<\/span> Direc\u00adtor (Straight arrow): \u201cDon\u2019t you remem\u00adber? You two guys (paus\u00ading, look\u00ading grim\u00adly back and forth between the own\u00aders), you two guys could\u00adn\u2019t agree on whether to fund it. You had a fight about it as I recall. You had a lot of fights about the bud\u00adget. Any\u00adway, as a result the train\u00ading plan has\u00adn\u2019t been fund\u00aded for the last year and a half and we also scrapped most of employ\u00adee ori\u00aden\u00adta\u00adtion. I can\u2019t believe you don\u2019t remem\u00adber this. You approved it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Own\u00ader #1 (look\u00ading at Own\u00ader #2, but begin\u00adning to chuck\u00adle to him\u00adself now): \u201cYou actu\u00adal\u00adly opposed a train\u00ading program?\u201d<\/p>\n

Own\u00ader #2: \u201cI nev\u00ader opposed a train\u00ading pro\u00adgram, that was you!\u201d<\/p>\n

(Every\u00adone laugh\u00ading watch\u00ading these two guys go at it).<\/p>\n

Own\u00ader #1, real\u00adly get\u00adting it now: \u201cOhhh, Nooooo! It\u2019s Us!\u201d<\/p>\n

Own\u00ader #2, (also get\u00adting it, loud\u00ader now and also laugh\u00ading): \u201cAnd what was it you said about the equip\u00adment? You said your #%*&<\/span>@# com\u00adput\u00ader did\u00adn\u2019t work??!\u201d<\/p>\n

(Every\u00adbody laugh\u00ading real\u00adly hard)<\/p>\n

A remark\u00adable occur\u00adrence, don\u2019t you think? Peo\u00adple laugh\u00ading at how screwed up things had become, how inter\u00adac\u00adtive it all was in a human, finan\u00adcial, and tech\u00adni\u00adcal knot, how the lead\u00aders were begin\u00adning to see their big con\u00adtri\u00adbu\u00adtion to the prob\u00adlem. I\u2019ll tell you, as a facil\u00adi\u00adta\u00adtor, I could have giv\u00aden that Junior Order Proces\u00adsor about half my pay that day for the way he opened the con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion. The oth\u00ader half prob\u00ada\u00adbly should have gone to the Sales Man\u00adag\u00ader who owned up to his team\u2019s own prob\u00adlem ram\u00adpages. Both of them out there with just the gut\u00adsy, unde\u00adfend\u00aded truth of it all so that the whole com\u00adpa\u00adny could wit\u00adness why and how the sys\u00adtems weren\u2019t work\u00ading. And I also think back to the pow\u00ader of that for-real HR<\/span> Direc\u00adtor and to those two own\u00aders \u2014 their abil\u00adi\u00adty to get it and actu\u00adal\u00adly laugh at them\u00adselves while they took the heat. Bless them all. I know they weren\u2019t per\u00adfect \u2014 or why would they have let this go on so long. But this was a team of peo\u00adple that had the open\u00adness and courage to let that con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion roll. From this one prob\u00adlem, we end\u00aded up with a whole clus\u00adter of action steps that involved bet\u00adter com\u00admu\u00adni\u00adca\u00adtions between divi\u00adsions, train\u00ading and ori\u00aden\u00adta\u00adtion, bud\u00adget sys\u00adtem revi\u00adsions, access to uni\u00adfied deci\u00adsions \u2014 all kinds of good, sol\u00adid action. And the major pay\u00adoff? An under\u00adstand\u00ading by the two own\u00aders about the real impacts of their fights on the company.<\/p>\n

Do you think every\u00adone knew where the real prob\u00adlem was before the dis\u00adcus\u00adsion even start\u00aded? You bet they did. And they\u2019d been talk\u00ading about it in the halls for years, but not direct\u00adly with the owners.<\/p>\n

Look, from my expe\u00adri\u00adence, it\u2019s almost nev\u00ader this easy to get at and con\u00adstruc\u00adtive\u00adly address the undis\u00adcuss\u00adables. Most of us, most of the time, take it so much more per\u00adson\u00adal\u00adly. It can be a lot hard\u00ader. I remem\u00adber a retreat where one of the chief undis\u00adcuss\u00adables was how much time super\u00advi\u00adsors spent on breaks (they\u2019d all park their trucks in front of a cer\u00adtain cafe, that was how work\u00aders knew). The room of super\u00advi\u00adsors and employ\u00adees thought this would be an easy and con\u00adstruc\u00adtive thing to talk about togeth\u00ader. It was all a mis\u00adun\u00adder\u00adstand\u00ading, right? Except it was\u00adn\u2019t, and sud\u00adden\u00adly we were in the mid\u00addle of \u201cWhat gives you the right to com\u00adment on my break times? When did you earn your stripes?\u201d It took a lot of facil\u00adi\u00adta\u00adtion and lead\u00ader\u00adship to get that one slowed down enough for peo\u00adple to real\u00adly start lis\u00adten\u00ading to one another.<\/p>\n

Oh, there\u2019s just no space in this post to cov\u00ader it all\u2026Lord, the rooms I\u2019ve been in (I know you\u2019ve been in some of those same rooms, too). Some dis\u00adcus\u00adsions I facil\u00adi\u00adtat\u00aded worked out so well, some were just as hard as they could be and took some fol\u00adlow-up work to get to a pos\u00adi\u00adtive place. Along the way, I guess I\u2019ve learned a cou\u00adple of things about the process and one cen\u00adtral point about lead\u00ader\u00adship: the leader must be able to be present non-defen\u00adsive\u00adly \u2014 both as a per\u00adson who may be on the receiv\u00ading end of oth\u00aders\u2019 con\u00adcerns and com\u00adplaints and as some\u00adone who must inter\u00advene when oth\u00aders are becom\u00ading defensive.<\/p>\n

If you are a for\u00admal leader of a work team, and you want to advance the capac\u00adi\u00adty of your group to han\u00addle undis\u00adcuss\u00adables, here\u2019s a sequence you might consider:<\/p>\n

1. Begin by iden\u00adti\u00adfy\u00ading to your\u00adself the undis\u00adcuss\u00adable that needs to be addressed.<\/strong> They all have names, \u201cCon\u00adflict between Order Pro\u00adcess\u00ading and Sales,\u201d \u201cBreak Times for Super\u00advi\u00adsors,\u201d etc. This will be \u201ccode\u201d for cer\u00adtain peo\u00adple and cer\u00adtain behav\u00adiors that would need to be addressed open\u00adly. Now, do a gut check. Are you real\u00adly will\u00ading to move into this ter\u00adri\u00adto\u00adry with a team? Lead\u00aders are often expect\u00aded to han\u00addle every sen\u00adsi\u00adtive thing in the back\u00adground. But some\u00adtimes that\u2019s just not fea\u00adsi\u00adble. When prob\u00adlems are mul\u00adti-dimen\u00adsion\u00adal, affect a lot of peo\u00adple, and are habit\u00adu\u00adal\u00adly avoid\u00aded, some\u00adtimes the only way for\u00adward is through the group itself. If you don\u2019t feel you can han\u00addle the sit\u00adu\u00ada\u00adtion alone, can you hire a pro\u00adfes\u00adsion\u00adal facil\u00adi\u00adta\u00adtor to help you?<\/em><\/p>\n

2. Intro\u00adduce the top\u00adic to the group as a pos\u00adsi\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adty for dis\u00adcus\u00adsion.<\/strong> Peo\u00adple gen\u00ader\u00adal\u00adly need soak time to decide whether they want to address a tough top\u00adic. Be clear that it will require non-defen\u00adsive behav\u00adior, own\u00ading up to prob\u00adlems and mis\u00adtakes, patience and mutu\u00adal sup\u00adport. Poll the group for readi\u00adness one by one. If they are ready you\u2019ll feel it. If not, the group will look divid\u00aded and hes\u00adi\u00adtant. In that case, look in anoth\u00ader direc\u00adtion for solu\u00adtions. Advo\u00adcate for open\u00adness but don\u2019t force the group. If there\u2019s con\u00adsent to pro\u00adceed, set your time and place.<\/p>\n

3. When you get there, start by talk\u00ading about how to dis\u00adcuss any undis\u00adcuss\u00adable.<\/strong> This is very dif\u00adfer\u00adent from just div\u00ading in to dis\u00adcussing the one in ques\u00adtion \u2014 don\u2019t let that hap\u00adpen. Instead, decide togeth\u00ader how to struc\u00adture this con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion. Struc\u00adture helps peo\u00adple feel safer by pro\u00advid\u00ading a con\u00adtain\u00ader for their shared expe\u00adri\u00adences. First, estab\u00adlish ground rules, and don\u2019t be naive about them. Don\u2019t say, for exam\u00adple, that we will \u201csep\u00ada\u00adrate the prob\u00adlem from the per\u00adson.\u201d It\u2019s pop\u00adpy\u00adcock. If we could have done that, the issue would\u00adn\u2019t have become undis\u00adcuss\u00adable. Instead, help the group agree to rules that are about stay\u00ading open at tough moments, main\u00adtain\u00ading vul\u00adner\u00ada\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adty, mutu\u00adal learn\u00ading, respect, for\u00adgive\u00adness, and sup\u00adport, being will\u00ading to lis\u00adten and dis\u00adclose, and using one\u2019s free\u00addom to iden\u00adti\u00adfy feel\u00adings not act them out. Sec\u00adond, estab\u00adlish a plan for the con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion itself. My col\u00adleague Kathy Ryan, my co-author on Dri\u00adving Fear Out of the Work\u00adplace,<\/a> found that by break\u00ading con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtions down into three pieces: facts, per\u00adcep\u00adtions, and feel\u00adings, much of the weird\u00adness and volatil\u00adi\u00adty we are all prone to can be reduced.<\/p>\n

4. Have the con\u00adver\u00adsa\u00adtion.<\/strong> If you use the facts, per\u00adcep\u00adtions, feel\u00adings mod\u00adel, write this stuff down on three (or more) flipcharts or on a white board. Sort out the facts and per\u00adcep\u00adtions first, then focus on the feel\u00adings the per\u00adcep\u00adtions are dri\u00adving. Stick to the process and keep it mov\u00ading. It may feel risky to get even this far, so as leader you\u2019ll need to show that you are with the group by ask\u00ading ques\u00adtions, thank\u00ading folks for speak\u00ading up, prob\u00ading to help peo\u00adple artic\u00adu\u00adlate what both\u00aders them the most, and, for sure, own\u00ading your part of the prob\u00adlem. And don\u2019t be afraid to come back to those ground rules. \u201cJeff, we agreed in the ground rules to avoid \u2018flam\u00ading one anoth\u00ader.\u2019 Do you want to try to say that last thing you put on the table in a way that makes it eas\u00adi\u00ader to hear?\u201d Gen\u00adtle. Warm tone. Paus\u00ading to let Jeff decide. At its best the dis\u00adcus\u00adsion feels like real dia\u00adlogue where peo\u00adple can slow down, take it all in, hear con\u00adtri\u00adbu\u00adtions from many van\u00adtage points, then decide how to pro\u00adceed. Once peo\u00adple have gone to the trou\u00adble of specif\u00adi\u00adcal\u00adly sep\u00ada\u00adrat\u00ading their agreed upon facts from their con\u00adflict\u00ading per\u00adcep\u00adtions and have owned up to feel\u00adings such as anger, frus\u00adtra\u00adtion, dis\u00adap\u00adpoint\u00adment, or embar\u00adrass\u00adment, they are usu\u00adal\u00adly very ready for con\u00adstruc\u00adtive problem-solving.<\/p>\n

5. Move to action plan\u00adning and deci\u00adsions.<\/strong> Usu\u00adal\u00adly there will be a clus\u00adter of things to address, not just one or two. Brain\u00adstorm. What can we do dif\u00adfer\u00adent\u00adly for each aspect? How do we pre\u00advent \u201cknots\u201d like this get\u00adting tied in the first place? It\u2019s best for every\u00adone in the room to have a piece of respon\u00adsi\u00adbi\u00adity for help\u00ading things move for\u00adward con\u00adstruc\u00adtive\u00adly, even if at first the prob\u00adlem seemed to belong to only one or two people.<\/p>\n

6. Fol\u00adlow-up.<\/strong> Don\u2019t let the issue drop just because peo\u00adple got a chance to talk about it. Rather, bring peo\u00adple togeth\u00ader again lat\u00ader to col\u00adlec\u00adtive\u00adly assess progress on the action steps. Then keep brain\u00adstorm\u00ading to remove fur\u00adther bar\u00adri\u00aders to imple\u00admen\u00adta\u00adtion and to extend the group\u2019s learning.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve used this process in a wide vari\u00adety of con\u00adtexts \u2014 it\u2019s just the basics, of course. Each sit\u00adu\u00ada\u00adtion is dif\u00adfer\u00adent and requires dif\u00adfer\u00adent plan\u00adning and set up. I\u2019ve used this method to address all kinds of work\u00adplace issues such as per\u00adcep\u00adtions of racism in a man\u00adage\u00adment team; polit\u00adi\u00adcal, pow\u00ader-based rival\u00adries and agen\u00addas in a group; high lev\u00adel nepo\u00adtism; the lead\u00ader\u2019s (prob\u00adlem\u00adat\u00adic) style; a group\u2019s depen\u00adden\u00adcy on the leader; lack of inter\u00adnal coop\u00ader\u00ada\u00adtion; com\u00adpe\u00adti\u00adtion for suc\u00adces\u00adsion; poor deci\u00adsion-mak\u00ading process\u00ades; poten\u00adtial busi\u00adness fail\u00adures; incom\u00adpe\u00adtence among prin\u00adci\u00adpals of a firm; lack of any mean\u00ading\u00adful strat\u00ade\u00adgy or pur\u00adpose for the group \u2014 you name it. These are usu\u00adal\u00adly the real rea\u00adsons orga\u00adni\u00adza\u00adtions can\u2019t achieve what they say they want to achieve \u2014 their inabil\u00adi\u00adty to sit down togeth\u00ader and deal with the big stuff, the stuff that every one of us would like to avoid.<\/p>\n

It takes heart to do this work, gen\u00aduine for\u00adti\u00adtude. It\u2019s messy. It\u2019s not intel\u00adlec\u00adtu\u00adal and it\u2019s not a game. It\u2019s any\u00adthing but a tech\u00adnique. And this is anoth\u00ader rea\u00adson why the capac\u00adi\u00adty to be open and to reflect are such impor\u00adtant lead\u00ader\u00adship skills. Because the bot\u00adtom line is that if you are lead\u00ading a dis\u00adcus\u00adsion of what\u2019s been undis\u00adcuss\u00adable it will be about you in some way, your thoughts, your feel\u00adings, your style, and you will learn some\u00adthing about your own propen\u00adsi\u00adty to defend and to stay in denial about prob\u00adlems. I\u2019m not say\u00ading this to sug\u00adgest that the leader is always the prob\u00adlem. I\u2019m say\u00ading that lead\u00ader\u00adship is often the solu\u00adtion with a group strug\u00adgling with its undis\u00adcuss\u00adables. How you car\u00adry your\u00adself in that moment, what your pres\u00adence is, how sta\u00adble you are in a dis\u00adcus\u00adsion that might be emi\u00adnent\u00adly desta\u00adbi\u00adliz\u00ading for you and oth\u00aders \u2014 that\u2019s where your lead\u00ader\u00adship will be test\u00aded. That\u2019s where every\u00adone\u2019s lead\u00ader\u00adship will be tested.<\/p>\n

Reflect on this:<\/p>\n