How to Lose Your Control Issues

Los­ing your issues with con­trol is dif­fer­ent than “los­ing con­trol” — although in the begin­ning it may eas­i­ly feel that way. The fact is learn­ing to lose your con­trol issues can be done in a grad­ual and more or less con­trolled way, by mak­ing your fears of its loss more con­scious and there­fore more amenable to reflec­tion, under­stand­ing, and con­struc­tive action. 

How would you do this?

If you have con­trol issues, what you also like­ly have are emo­tion­al reac­tions or over-reac­tions. These reac­tions are an effort to get things back in con­trol as quick­ly as pos­si­ble. I react with anger in order to restore the sense of safe­ty and sta­bil­i­ty my con­trol brings. I hold a grudge in order to avoid the unknown risks of trust­ing you again. I turn my back on you in order to regain the rela­tion­ship the way it was or to end the rela­tion­ship while pro­tect­ing my ver­sion of events. I con­sole myself by remind­ing myself how smart or right I am. Reac­tions are a way of hold­ing onto what was, even if that always was a fan­ta­sy or an illu­sion — about our rela­tion­ship, my pow­er, my stature, my brand, my dream of who I want myself to be. 

In the work­place, and espe­cial­ly with lead­ers, the com­mon sen­ti­ment is to deplore indi­vid­u­als with con­trol issues while con­tin­u­ing to pro­mote them for their tem­pera­ment. Cor­po­ra­tions, since legal­ly they are peo­ple, want to be in con­trol, too. My point is that shift­ing away from being a leader with con­trol issues is a mat­ter of both indi­vid­ual change and cor­po­rate cul­ture change — and we gen­er­al­ly have a hard time with both.

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A first step to keep in mind is that the oppo­site of “con­trol” is “shar­ing” and how these two things are dif­fer­ent. Con­trol is a form of psy­cho­log­i­cal stiff­ness, right­ness, and fun­da­men­tal­ism. Shar­ing, by com­par­i­son implies vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty, open­ness, trust, lis­ten­ing, curios­i­ty, mutu­al explo­ration, own­er­ship and decision-making. 

A sec­ond step is notic­ing the pat­terns of emo­tion­al reac­tion that arise in you when your sense of con­trol is vio­lat­ed — frus­tra­tion, anger, dis­ap­point­ment, betray­al, embar­rass­ment, humil­i­a­tion, being dom­i­nat­ed, etc. Notic­ing and nam­ing these emo­tions is vital, even if they are play­ing them­selves out sub­tly. When you notice them, you have a chance to ask your­self if they are real­ly appro­pri­ate to the sit­u­a­tion or whether you’ve added some­thing into it that does­n’t need to be there. You have a chance to inter­rupt your sense of threat and let it dis­si­pate naturally. 

A third step is learn­ing to do one thing extreme­ly well: apol­o­gize. Why? Because learn­ing to lose your con­trol issues means learn­ing through the “mis­takes” you are mak­ing with oth­ers you are attempt­ing to control.

Now, apolo­gies are not the only thing to do, but they are a per­fect­ly won­der­ful lever­age point. They are, if sin­cere, lit­tle points of risk, lit­tle entry points to vul­ner­a­bil­i­ty. When you find your­self over-react­ing, you can learn to apologize. 

If you find your­self hold­ing a grudge, you can apol­o­gize and drop the grudge. If you don’t lis­ten to anoth­er’s ideas, you can apol­o­gize and ask again what those ideas are. If you take work away from some­one, you can apol­o­gize and give it back with your blessing. 

I guar­an­tee, if you do these apolo­gies con­scious­ly, slow­ly, and con­sis­tent­ly, over time you’ll still feel the bump of your anx­i­ety but you’ll learn to sur­ren­der more to what is real rather than try­ing to main­tain the tax­ing illu­sion of con­trol you are hold­ing onto.

Some ques­tions usu­al­ly arise when I’m work­ing with some­one with con­trol issues. 

How do you know when you’ve made one of these “mis­takes?” You don’t even have to call them mis­takes — just notice the emo­tions and what you did next. You don’t have to apol­o­gize for the feel­ing (although you can). The impor­tant thing is to apol­o­gize for what you did to regain con­trol that was dri­ven by the reac­tion or over-reac­tion. Then, cor­rect the sit­u­a­tion, in the direc­tion of sharing.

What if the prob­lem has gone on for a very long time? Go slow­ly, tak­ing the risk to notice all the emo­tion­al reac­tions and the beliefs that go with them. A belief might be, “He’s incom­pe­tent” or “She does­n’t share the same val­ues” or “He’s dis­hon­est” or “She does­n’t respect me.” Notice all of these sto­ries you are prone to tell your­self. Some of these can sound quite con­vinc­ing (“Yes, but what if it’s true?”) but usu­al­ly the beliefs are extreme posi­tions and not the com­plete truth. Then take the risk to approach the oth­er per­son. Own and apol­o­gize for your sto­ries about him or her. 

Don’t do it because you are look­ing for some kind of spe­cial response in return. Instead, do it to affirm your true Self, the big­ger, bet­ter per­son that you are. Do it because you are sick and tired of the iso­lat­ing illu­sions you’ve held onto too long and lived with in order to stay in control.

Here’s the kick­er. If you do this well as an orga­ni­za­tion­al leader, focus­ing on your own devel­op­ment, you’ll soon like­ly see pat­terns in how the cor­po­ra­tion wants to stay in con­trol, too; how top lead­er­ship, for exam­ple, can hold a grudge against the employ­ees and vice ver­sa, how peo­ple don’t lis­ten to each oth­er in order to be right in their own worlds, how indi­vid­u­als don’t share in the real, emo­tion­al work of the cor­po­ra­tion in order to make sure prac­tices don’t change. You’ll see how this is part of the her­itage and cul­ture of the place as much as any fail­ing of human nature. You’ll wake up to find your­self in a sys­tem of con­trol, and you’ll see exact­ly how self-defeat­ing and mis­sion-defeat­ing that real­ly is.

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Published
Categorized as Choices

By Dan Oestreich

I am a consultant, coach, facilitator and trainer supporting the growth and development of leaders and teams. For further information about my work and services, please access my Oestreich Associates website.

19 comments

  1. Wow! I nev­er thought of it this way before — I feel like I’m see­ing things a whole new way (light bulb has turned on). Look­ing for­ward to shar­ing this post with oth­ers I care about.

  3. What keen insights as usu­al, Dan, and I am espe­cial­ly intrigued by the notion of con­trol in hand of both indi­vid­u­als and groups — as you have laid it out so unique­ly here. 

    It’s real­ly about the bar­ri­ers that block peo­ple from pre­sent­ing as human, as you illus­trat­ed so well. And it sad­ly frames the cul­ture — that drowns out human­i­ty at the very cre­ative edges many crave. 

    It’s also linked to the brain’s basal gan­glia in inter­est­ing ways — so that con­trol (or safe­ty) becomes our default.

    Much food for thought — and thanks for the new angles you led here, for that to hap­pen Dan. Best, Ellen

  4. Ellen, I real­ly like your phrase about “the bar­ri­ers that block peo­ple from pre­sent­ing as human.” That seems to cap­ture the essence well, espe­cial­ly the pain of los­ing that cre­ative edge. Much appre­ci­a­tion to you for your kind words and help­ful elaboration!

  5. At 32 I have come to real­ize that I have con­trol­ling issues. Read­ing this arti­cle made me aware of the actions I make when I lose a sense of con­trol. I plan on using these steps to bet­ter myself. Thank you for shar­ing — Very insightful!!

  7. Great to know, it’s all about mon­ey when it comes down to every­thing, except Con­trol issues.… 

    Great news I just went to my first meet­ing with a ther­a­pist over my anger prob­lems, I now know that I have con­trol issues, this arti­cle hit home, every­thing you said real­ly was, and is exact­ly what I’ve been doing, with every­thing in my life.

    It’s just a mat­ter of let­ting go of those false illu­sions, false sto­ries that I seem to make out in my mind so vivid­ly that it seems to be man­i­fest­ing into real­i­ty. Every­thing we believe can become real!! My thoughts will remain pos­i­tive about every­thing. I feel so much pan­ic when I think about, if my wife will leave me. It’s a very low feel­ing, maybe even next to grief!! She is done rea­sur­ing me and mak­ing me feel high and mighty!! 

    I’m going to stop con­trol­ling every­one in order to con­trol myself, because at the end of the day I’m only in con­trol of my own thoughts!!

    Every­one today wants to be in con­trol, espe­cial­ly if you held a high posi­tion of con­trol!! Even when I was in a high posi­tion of con­trol I myself was being con­trolled. Every­thing about every­thing is con­trol­ling some­thing else. Just don’t wor­ry about it let some­one else do the wor­ry­ing, I’m still going to catch myself if I’m try­ing to con­trol an out­come with everything. 

    Thanks for the insight

  8. Paul~

    Thank you for writ­ing. It sounds like it is a very chal­leng­ing time for you. As any­body con­fronts them­selves on tough pat­terns, con­trol issues being one of the tough­est, it is pret­ty nat­ur­al that things look dark. The grief is real and you don’t know what to do exact­ly! But if you stick with it, keep work­ing with your ther­a­pist, do the inner work need­ed, I promise you the sky will light­en. This is almost a kind of alche­my — or maybe min­ing. If you want the gold, you must first endure the dark­ness of the mine­shaft. It takes a com­mit­ted per­son to hang in there and keep learn­ing, one step at a time, and lit­tle by lit­tle. I sus­pect that one day you’ll look back and see this time, dif­fi­cult as it was, as when you became wis­er, gen­tler — and a lot stronger, too. Good for you! You are on the path!

    All the best
    ~Dan

  9. I have just come to real­ize i have con­trol issues and was brous­ing to find a way that is more trans­for­ma­tive than some­thing put on from the out­side. Because unless some­thing is trans­for­ma­tive inside out it does not last. Very much con­nect with your arti­cle. Thanky­ou. Where can i get to learn more of it? Let me know. Thanks.

  10. Hel­lo Swati

    Thank you for writ­ing. All of what you read here comes from my own phi­los­o­phy and prac­tice as a con­sul­tant and coach. To learn more about the spe­cif­ic ideas con­tained in this arti­cle would mean set­ting up a coach­ing rela­tion­ship. If you are inter­est­ed, please email me. Again, thanks very much for your inter­est in this arti­cle. I’m hap­py it res­onat­ed with you.

    All the best
    Dan

  11. This arti­cle is so true about me. It was like you’re stand­ing in front of me talk­ing to me. I’ve been in con­trol of my sis­ters since I was 7. Now at the age of 51. I real­ize I’m a con­trol freak. My hus­band has been point­ing it out to me for the last two years.
    So I looked it up on the inter­net and found your arti­cle. Then I come to real­ize that for years I blocked out some of my childhood.
    I am remem­ber­ing now, when I was 7, that is the first time I start­ed con­trol­ling my sis­ters. Since then it has tak­en over my life. Now with the help of this arti­cle and my hus­bands help,patience,and under­stand­ing. I can start to hap­py again. I’m going to take these 3 steps.
    Thanks again
    Joy

  12. Joy–

    Thank you so much for writ­ing. I am so glad the arti­cle was help­ful to you! You’ve made a ter­rif­ic advance — con­grat­u­la­tions. It is often a slow process, so be sure to get sup­port fre­quent­ly from oth­ers — includ­ing your hus­band — who you feel you can talk to about what you are work­ing on. Self-care is a pro­found part of the process. All the best to you!

    – Dan

  14. Thanks for the arti­cle that sees these issues with com­pas­sion and bal­ance. I strug­gle every day to become more shar­ing and coop­er­a­tive in my man­age­ment style. Recent­ly I faced a new sit­u­a­tion of rigid­i­ty and con­trol from some­one a cou­ple of rungs junior to me. It was very sur­pris­ing to me because they read my shar­ing and open approach as a threat to their bound­aries. They even defend­ed their posi­tion by telling me I lacked cor­rect train­ing. They sub­se­quent­ly got into a con­trol cycle with me which has induced all my old con­trol issues feel­ings of shame and anx­i­ety as well. It’s a long journey!!

  15. Dear Nathalie‘

    As time goes by it is not at all unusu­al for the old chal­lenges to rear their heads wear­ing new masks. So smart of you to rec­og­nize the trig­gers and take a more neu­tral stance, under­stand­ing how long the jour­ney tru­ly is.

    Indeed, how adept we can be with our self-deceptions! 

    Yet we can also take pride in spot­ting the temp­ta­tions to revert as they emerge and we can for­give our­selves for falling off the wagon. 

    So much of this stuff seems to be all about self-protection! 

    Thank you so much for writing!

    Best to you!
    Dan

  16. Last night I did some “dream work”, before and dur­ing sleep con­scious­ness. Before sleep, I set an inten­tion to work on/heal trust issues I have, with both myself and with oth­ers. I set an inten­tion to find the source of these issues, espe­cial­ly with regards to my mar­riage. Dur­ing sleep, though I don’t remem­ber any spe­cif­ic “cohesive” dream, I trust­ed upon awak­ing, that the work had begun. How do I know this? The first thing that my con­scious mind pre­sent­ed this morn­ing was con­trol issues. I took a moment to mar­i­nate on that and felt at ease; a sense of calm wash over me, as if every part of me said, “Yes, dear, this is the basis of your trust issues.” I know it was my high­er self speak­ing and not my ego because the mes­sage brought peace. So, here I am. I searched the good’ol inter­net and found you and your arti­cle. “When the stu­dent is ready, the teacher is forthcoming.” How can I learn more? Do you have a prac­tice? Thank you so much for your insight!

  17. Dear Noelle~

    What a won­der­ful method of start­ing the work! And yes, I do coach­ing. Thanks for sep­a­rate email. I’ll reply there!

    All the best
    Dan

  18. My wife and I have been mar­ried for almost 4 years and togeth­er for near­ly 6. She has com­plained for along time about my con­trol issues and manip­u­la­tion. I nev­er real­ly saw it. We are cur­rent­ly sep­a­rat­ed for just over a week and it is killing me. I know that I don’t want to con­trol her and I just want to know how to get rid of these con­trol issues. The main ones seem to be when she goes out with friends, this leaves me with a sense of she does­n’t real­ly care about me, because she did­n’t ask me. My own thoughts get in the way, so I go out of my way to some­times sab­o­tage or tell her some­thing inten­tion­al­ly to make her mad. I just want her back and I want to improve myself.

  19. Dear Chaz

    I hope you found a good coun­selor to work with, either just for your­self or for you and your wife. As you know bet­ter than any­one, the sit­u­a­tion you are fac­ing is com­pli­cat­ed and involves per­cep­tions and beliefs between you and your wife that need sort­ing out — if they can be. The main thing, I’d say, is not get­ting lost in your con­clu­sions about what is going on, either with your wife or with your­self. That’s where the coun­selor can help. If you aim for learn­ing and under­stand­ing, I think you’ll have an eas­i­er time of deal­ing with what­ev­er out­come there will be. There’s an old Bud­dhist say­ing, “Not know­ing is clos­est to the truth.”

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