Can People Change?
Hear Dan read this post.
Because I teach others coaching skills, I am often asked, “Do you think people really can change?” If there is time for a discussion, I may reply with my own question, “Well, do you think you can change?” Participants are commonly undecided, and even if they see themselves as able to do so, may not see that same potential in others. “Yes and no,” they often answer honestly. A common response is: “Well, I’ve made some changes, but fundamentally I am who I am.”
Psyche, the Greek word for soul, is also the word for “butterfly.” And butterflies, of course, don’t just change; they transform. They become a new kind of creature. So I want to alter the question. It’s not, “Can people change?” It’s “Do people transform?” Is there a similar human experience like that of the butterfly’s? I would say not one but many. We are transformed constantly simply by growth and the things happening to us. We are always dealing with new life situations while we are losing others. New jobs, new locations, promotions to more exposed leadership roles, big assignments, big failures — all these experiences can be transforming. Like marriage, divorce, children, illness or death of a loved one, these are experiences that create new external realities, in turn forcing us out of comfortable patterns, shifting how we think about ourselves and our world.
And it is these experiences collectively, that may be catalysts for the overall transformation of an individual into the person he or she is meant to be. Bill Bridges, a famous writer on helping people in organizations deal with imposed change, makes the valuable point that change is different from transition. Change, says Bridges, is the event: the new computer system, the layoffs, the merger. Transition, by comparison, is the psychological process of adapting to the change, a process that occurs in predictable emotional stages.
What I want to do is add another whole layer, creating the notion that there are really three pieces: change, transition, and transformation, with transformation being the way a person unfolds and becomes him-or herself over time as a result of going through transitions of all kinds. And I would say it is the nature of the transformation that is really crucial, especially in contexts where there is a call to lead others.
What is this transformation?
There are many ways to describe it. Some see it as a search for personal wholeness or healing. Some as a heroic quest. Psychological thinkers such as James Hillman describing love’s tortures, see the challenge as one of soul-making. Talking about transformation requires us to give up literalism in favor of poetic/symbolic words and images. A picture of a waterfall may say more about what tranformation is than any language can do justice.
The waterfall is appropriate because transformation is more about surrender than achievement, an experience of “going over the falls.” Nick Smith at Life 2.0, recently described transcendence in just this way, as a gift to be received rather than a project.
The question is whether we can actually allow ourselves to be transformed by our experiences, both the good ones and bad ones. And whether that tranformative process allows us to see more of who we are or less, whether it opens our eyes to our own real possibilities and the possibilities held by others. When the challenges are great, when we burn with frustration and big questions of “why me?” or feel we are on the edge of losing everything important, can that moment lead to deeper understanding and new kinds of responses? Leading well, I believe, depends on it. Joe McCarthy at Gumption defines leadership as “modeling and communication of passionate commitment to an inspiring goal, principle or path.” That very commitment would seem to demand exactly an essential surrender by the leader to how she or he will be transformed. And this surrender will be vastly more important that any attempt by the leader to change others. The transforming leader lets go of that desire in favor of supporting others’ own transformations.
The butterfly image is apt. It’s been apt for thousands of years. Transformation in one aspect is the chemical change from caterpillar to butterfly. But in another it is holding out your palm and allowing the butterfly to land. If you try to grab it, surely it will be gone. To grab it, smother it, possess it means that you can no longer follow it. It means that opening up to your own authenticity, your own Self can no longer occur. We don’t become conscious co-creators of the world (as Jean Houston would say) without greater capacities for love and greater connections to our own courage, strength, and wisdom. And that, to me, all depends on not trying to trap and finalize the transformation any more than we can own another person.
I have been privileged to watch people go through transformative moments. I recall a very good manager deciding to leave her organization in order to go do the work that is her true Vocation. She was a little scared about coming out of that cocoon, letting her wings dry. It was a holy moment, really, and a privilege to be with her as she crossed the line from caterpillar to butterfly. She asked me, “Do you think the butterfly remembers being the caterpillar?”
What a wonderful question because to answer it I had to remember my own transformations! And yes, I think the answer is yes, the butterfly does remember. At least just for a moment before she takes flight.
Technorati tag: Transformation
Posted: August 5th, 2006 under Transformation.
Comments: 9
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Comments
Comment from Dean
Time: August 6, 2006, 4:36 am
Dan –
I still owe you the update. But what I really want to know is how you seem to write about the very thing that is on my “unfolding” ledger at the moment. But then our families go back quite a ways as I understand it and perhaps there is some cosmic connection underlying these events.
I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment. What I am really curious about is how do I know whether I am seeing reality or something of my own concoction. Finding that things will unfold well enough without always striving toward them, leads me to believe (and as many through the ages have written about) that sitting with reality, I suppose as we know it, can really bring about the transitions you speak about.
Thanks again for the great post. Hope all is going well.
Namaste,
Dean
Comment from Dan
Time: August 6, 2006, 5:48 am
”What I am really curious about is how do I know whether I am seeing reality or something of my own concoction.”
Is a guardian angel real or a figment of your imagination? It is a difficult question because we are prone to confuse self with Self. And yet there are times when our experiences contain something that is indisputably sacred, that presents itself as given, not self-created. Sure, based on our empiric/rational acculturation process we could discount it all. Many of us were educated exactly to do that. To find doubt everywhere. But I believe that’s ultimately another form of ”grabbing the butterfly.” I think: unless I can pin it down behind glass, it’s not real. But, of course, that’s not so. That butterfly is only a corpse. These winged creatures, angels, butterflies, sacred experiences…they are meant to be loved, trusted, and cared for. They are meant to pull us out of our shells, ourselves. They are meant to be followed. If you can do that, well then, I believe reality will take care of itself.
It is great to hear from you, Dean. By all means, let’s stay in touch!
Comment from Chris Corrigan
Time: August 6, 2006, 7:28 am
Dan:
Can I elaborate a little on the waterfall metaphor? In the photo you see the water going over the falls and collecting again in the pool at the bottom. Most of the water goes over the edge and hits the bottom changed, but not transformed. The transition is the falling, the change is that all the water drops are in different relation to each other at the bottom, but where is the transformation?
Well, look in the middle there, where the water hits a rock halfway down. See that? Some of the water has transformed to gas, it has transformed from heavy liquid to lighter than air vapour. Some of it is even moving UP, which is not what happens in a waterfall, is it? Only by falling could it have done this.
It’s that small amount of water that turns to vapour and escapes that represents transformation. Not everything that goes through transition and change transforms.
And now the question is: which drop of water are you? The one that will fall to the bottom, or the one that will explode into the air and float away?
Comment from Dan
Time: August 6, 2006, 11:50 am
Ah, lovely Chris. You’ve used the metaphor well. I bow! Perhaps others will join with their interpretations, too!
Comment from Joe McCarthy
Time: August 12, 2006, 1:22 pm
I find water — and especially waterfalls — to be fabulous and flexible sources for metaphor. Rather than a more intellectual interpretation, I’ll simply offer a more physical or emotional one that waterfalls in general, and your photo in particular, evoke in me: a profound sense of release.
The title of your post, and many of your — and others’ –insights into change, transition, transformation, and transcendence, are very much in alignment with what I’ve been reading, feeling and thinking lately.
I recently started re-reading Way of the Peaceful Warrior, a book (and now movie) by another inspiring Dan, Dan Millman. The book is about how the author, when he was a champion gymnast at UC Berkeley, transforms himself — with varying degrees of openness, acceptance and intention — under the mentorship of a wise warrior he calls Socrates.
Last night I read a passage that I think is relevant to your question “Can People Change?” The author starts out,
“I was just going to tell you that I’m really willing to change. That’s one thing about me; I’ve always been open to change”
“That,” said Socrates, “is one of your biggest illusions. You’ve been willing to change clothes, hairstyles, women, apartments, and jobs. You are all too willing to change anything except yourself, but change you will. Either I help you open your eyes or time will, but time is not always gentle,” he said ominously. “Take your choice.”
So, I think the answer to your question is that we cannot help but change … it simply comes down to a choice between conscious and unconscious change.
Comment from Dan
Time: August 13, 2006, 5:17 am
Yes, you raise a great point, Joe, about the degree to which change/transformation is conscious or unconscious. Looking back over my life there have been moments that changed everything — the day for example that I realized that I was am not the “change agent,” but that silence, beauty, and timelessness are. And yet, though that was consicous awakening; the effects and further development of that awareness continue, sometimes at very unconscious levels. An instance of this is this very blog; which is designed to have the look and feel of a quiet, long-term art — my practice, so to speak. What leads to transformation is touching a broader field, as Otto Scharmer would say in his “Theory U” work. Witnessing the gradual working out of the transforming moment over a long period of time, seems to me to be one of the most wonderful joys anyone could experience.
Comment from Mary Rivera
Time: December 15, 2008, 8:53 am
hi i am a highschool student i read some of your page and i felt drawn to at least have the curtesy to comment..well all i have to say is i think that people have the ability to be diferent not exactly change because you are still you but u can be you in a diferent way like a girly girl choosing to have a diferent style one day and becoming a tomboy..well thats all i gta say rite now i like ur page i support your idae
Comment from Byron Murray
Time: July 25, 2009, 3:35 pm
Dan
I am not sure you receive comments from past posts but I will take it on faith that you do. IN thinking about unfolding leadership and the idea of transformation being added to Bridges work is very monumental for me and I am sure for others. I have been through several transformations without always being aware of them. However, when I am still and look into the deep void of what Emerson called the Oversoul I seem to connect to that longing deep inside me for that “something” that tells me who I really am and what I am really becoming. It was at BTE with you and Barb that I began my own journey that has been unfolding before me. The first small step was realizing what I knew about myself that would make a positive difference to myself and others. Once that was clarified the journey really began. It began with the question: Now that you know, what are you going to do about it? If you answer what the how’s will take care of themselves.
“The journey has not yet begun if you think you have arrived”
Byron
Comment from Dan
Time: July 27, 2009, 5:41 pm
Thank you, Byron. I like the way you highlight the never ending quality of the journey and how it depends on a “something” — both plain and mysterious — that seems to tell us about ourselves. I am glad this post was meaningful for you and that you left your signature upon it!
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