Hear me read this post.
Because I teach others coaching skills, I am often asked, “Do you think people really can change?” If there is time for a discussion, I may reply with my own question, “Well, do you think you can change?” Participants are commonly undecided, and even if they see themselves as able to do so, may not see that same potential in others. “Yes and no,” they often answer honestly. A common response is: “Well, I’ve made some changes, but fundamentally I am who I am.”
Psyche, the Greek word for soul, is also the word for “butterfly.” And butterflies, of course, don’t just change; they transform. They become a new kind of creature. So I want to alter the question. It’s not, “Can people change?” It’s “Do people transform?” Is there a similar human experience like that of the butterfly’s? I would say not one but many. We are transformed constantly simply by growth and the things happening to us. We are always dealing with new life situations while we are losing others. New jobs, new locations, promotions to more exposed leadership roles, big assignments, big failures — all these experiences can be transforming. Like marriage, divorce, children, illness or death of a loved one, these are experiences that create new external realities, in turn forcing us out of comfortable patterns, shifting how we think about ourselves and our world.
And it is these experiences collectively, that may be catalysts for the overall transformation of an individual into the person he or she is meant to be. Bill Bridges, a famous writer on helping people in organizations deal with imposed change, makes the valuable point that change is different from transition. Change, says Bridges, is the event: the new computer system, the layoffs, the merger. Transition, by comparison, is the psychological process of adapting to the change, a process that occurs in predictable emotional stages.
What I want to do is add another whole layer, creating the notion that there are really three pieces: change, transition, and transformation, with transformation being the way a person unfolds and becomes him-or herself over time as a result of going through transitions of all kinds. And I would say it is the nature of the transformation that is really crucial, especially in contexts where there is a call to lead others.
What is this transformation?
There are many ways to describe it. Some see it as a search for personal wholeness or healing. Some as a heroic quest. Psychological thinkers such as James Hillman describing love’s tortures, see the challenge as one of soul-making. Talking about transformation requires us to give up literalism in favor of poetic/symbolic words and images. A picture of a waterfall may say more about what tranformation is than any language can do justice.
The waterfall is appropriate because transformation is more about surrender than achievement, an experience of “going over the falls.” Nick Smith at Life 2.0, recently described transcendence in just this way, as a gift to be received rather than a project.
The question is whether we can actually allow ourselves to be transformed by our experiences, both the good ones and bad ones. And whether that tranformative process allows us to see more of who we are or less, whether it opens our eyes to our own real possibilities and the possibilities held by others. When the challenges are great, when we burn with frustration and big questions of “why me?” or feel we are on the edge of losing everything important, can that moment lead to deeper understanding and new kinds of responses? Leading well, I believe, depends on it. Joe McCarthy at Gumption defines leadership as “modeling and communication of passionate commitment to an inspiring goal, principle or path.” That very commitment would seem to demand exactly an essential surrender by the leader to how she or he will be transformed. And this surrender will be vastly more important that any attempt by the leader to change others. The transforming leader lets go of that desire in favor of supporting others’ own transformations.
The butterfly image is apt. It’s been apt for thousands of years. Transformation in one aspect is the chemical change from caterpillar to butterfly. But in another it is holding out your palm and allowing the butterfly to land. If you try to grab it, surely it will be gone. To grab it, smother it, possess it means that you can no longer follow it. It means that opening up to your own authenticity, your own Self can no longer occur. We don’t become conscious co-creators of the world (as Jean Houston would say) without greater capacities for love and greater connections to our own courage, strength, and wisdom. And that, to me, all depends on not trying to trap and finalize the transformation any more than we can own another person.
I have been privileged to watch people go through transformative moments. I recall a very good manager deciding to leave her organization in order to go do the work that is her true Vocation. She was a little scared about coming out of that cocoon, letting her wings dry. It was a holy moment, really, and a privilege to be with her as she crossed the line from caterpillar to butterfly. She asked me, “Do you think the butterfly remembers being the caterpillar?”
What a wonderful question because to answer it I had to remember my own transformations! And yes, I think the answer is yes, the butterfly does remember. At least just for a moment before she takes flight.
Dan —
I still owe you the update. But what I really want to know is how you seem to write about the very thing that is on my “unfolding” ledger at the moment. But then our families go back quite a ways as I understand it and perhaps there is some cosmic connection underlying these events.
I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment. What I am really curious about is how do I know whether I am seeing reality or something of my own concoction. Finding that things will unfold well enough without always striving toward them, leads me to believe (and as many through the ages have written about) that sitting with reality, I suppose as we know it, can really bring about the transitions you speak about.
Thanks again for the great post. Hope all is going well.
Namaste,
Dean
â€What I am really curious about is how do I know whether I am seeing reality or something of my own concoction.”
Is a guardian angel real or a figment of your imagination? It is a difficult question because we are prone to confuse self with Self. And yet there are times when our experiences contain something that is indisputably sacred, that presents itself as given, not self-created. Sure, based on our empiric/rational acculturation process we could discount it all. Many of us were educated exactly to do that. To find doubt everywhere. But I believe that’s ultimately another form of â€grabbing the butterfly.†I think: unless I can pin it down behind glass, it’s not real. But, of course, that’s not so. That butterfly is only a corpse. These winged creatures, angels, butterflies, sacred experiences…they are meant to be loved, trusted, and cared for. They are meant to pull us out of our shells, ourselves. They are meant to be followed. If you can do that, well then, I believe reality will take care of itself.
It is great to hear from you, Dean. By all means, let’s stay in touch!
Dan:
Can I elaborate a little on the waterfall metaphor? In the photo you see the water going over the falls and collecting again in the pool at the bottom. Most of the water goes over the edge and hits the bottom changed, but not transformed. The transition is the falling, the change is that all the water drops are in different relation to each other at the bottom, but where is the transformation?
Well, look in the middle there, where the water hits a rock halfway down. See that? Some of the water has transformed to gas, it has transformed from heavy liquid to lighter than air vapour. Some of it is even moving UP, which is not what happens in a waterfall, is it? Only by falling could it have done this.
It’s that small amount of water that turns to vapour and escapes that represents transformation. Not everything that goes through transition and change transforms.
And now the question is: which drop of water are you? The one that will fall to the bottom, or the one that will explode into the air and float away?
Ah, lovely Chris. You’ve used the metaphor well. I bow! Perhaps others will join with their interpretations, too!
I find water — and especially waterfalls — to be fabulous and flexible sources for metaphor. Rather than a more intellectual interpretation, I’ll simply offer a more physical or emotional one that waterfalls in general, and your photo in particular, evoke in me: a profound sense of release.
The title of your post, and many of your — and others’ –insights into change, transition, transformation, and transcendence, are very much in alignment with what I’ve been reading, feeling and thinking lately.
I recently started re-reading Way of the Peaceful Warrior, a book (and now movie) by another inspiring Dan, Dan Millman. The book is about how the author, when he was a champion gymnast at UC Berkeley, transforms himself — with varying degrees of openness, acceptance and intention — under the mentorship of a wise warrior he calls Socrates.
Last night I read a passage that I think is relevant to your question “Can People Change?” The author starts out,
“I was just going to tell you that I’m really willing to change. That’s one thing about me; I’ve always been open to change”
“That,” said Socrates, “is one of your biggest illusions. You’ve been willing to change clothes, hairstyles, women, apartments, and jobs. You are all too willing to change anything except yourself, but change you will. Either I help you open your eyes or time will, but time is not always gentle,” he said ominously. “Take your choice.”
So, I think the answer to your question is that we cannot help but change … it simply comes down to a choice between conscious and unconscious change.
Yes, you raise a great point, Joe, about the degree to which change/transformation is conscious or unconscious. Looking back over my life there have been moments that changed everything — the day for example that I realized that I was am not the “change agent,” but that silence, beauty, and timelessness are. And yet, though that was consicous awakening; the effects and further development of that awareness continue, sometimes at very unconscious levels. An instance of this is this very blog; which is designed to have the look and feel of a quiet, long-term art — my practice, so to speak. What leads to transformation is touching a broader field, as Otto Scharmer would say in his “Theory U” work. Witnessing the gradual working out of the transforming moment over a long period of time, seems to me to be one of the most wonderful joys anyone could experience.
hi i am a highschool student i read some of your page and i felt drawn to at least have the curtesy to comment..well all i have to say is i think that people have the ability to be diferent not exactly change because you are still you but u can be you in a diferent way like a girly girl choosing to have a diferent style one day and becoming a tomboy..well thats all i gta say rite now i like ur page i support your idae
Dan
I am not sure you receive comments from past posts but I will take it on faith that you do. IN thinking about unfolding leadership and the idea of transformation being added to Bridges work is very monumental for me and I am sure for others. I have been through several transformations without always being aware of them. However, when I am still and look into the deep void of what Emerson called the Oversoul I seem to connect to that longing deep inside me for that “something” that tells me who I really am and what I am really becoming. It was at BTE with you and Barb that I began my own journey that has been unfolding before me. The first small step was realizing what I knew about myself that would make a positive difference to myself and others. Once that was clarified the journey really began. It began with the question: Now that you know, what are you going to do about it? If you answer what the how’s will take care of themselves.
“The journey has not yet begun if you think you have arrived”
Byron
Thank you, Byron. I like the way you highlight the never ending quality of the journey and how it depends on a “something” — both plain and mysterious — that seems to tell us about ourselves. I am glad this post was meaningful for you and that you left your signature upon it!
Dan,
Short and sweet my comment will be.
Thank you for the great post. I came across it searching on google: Can people really change?
I was well aware of my ability to change, although now I will always rephrase myself to saying – I/WE CAN TRANSFORM.
The reason I was searching for the answer to this question is because I have recently been faced with an issue at work. An issue that goes far beyond my working relationship with my manager, whom I have the pleasure of calling my brother.
Some years back we had a difference of opinions; I stated to him that we can all somehow change the things that are harming ourselves and everyone around us. To what he answered: we can never change, we are who we are, we do what we do… period! The moment was a very sensitive moment since we were mainly discussing our family issues.
Nowadays, the issue we are faced with is similar to the one we faced some years back (which lead to us having a physical confrontation, one which I am not proud of, but know it was life changing for us both). I have presented my resume and cover letter to him in hopes that he would ascend me to become the assistant manager/sales coach of the department. A position that is ever necessary in order to effectively & efficiently coach our fellow sales agents, whom have never received a proper training nor coaching. Also because they constantly approach me for guidance and ask me why my brother is sometimes so contradicting with the issues/solutions that arise within the department.
Our relationship, since coming back to Costa Rica, has been somewhat silent, speaking mainly at work because, well we must in order to perform our tasks. Since the moment I presented to him my proposal he has been speaking to me through his vibrations and quotes that he places at the end of his emails. I feel that since I presented to him my resume, he felt threatened, like the alpha-male type situation. I can only think that he does not want to change his ways, which are affecting the department and all of us in our personal lifes. I want to help him become a positive leader and I want to lead the department alongside him. Together I know we can accomplish a lot, even become the leaders of the entire organization (since he has the owners complete backing). But unless he allows me to help him, I foresee everything will remain the same (as it has been since he took over the department). When I say the same I mean that our department little by little has been crumbling apart (even though it is actually growing, the agents are overworked, unhappy, unwilling, feel unappreciated and due to this they are constantly leaving and being replaced), not only because we lack organization but because the mentality is negative, contra-productive and contradictive.
Well I guess my comment was neither short nor sweet, sorry! I am considering to show my brother your site and for starters this post, in hopes that he will allow me to help him to help us. Hopefully he will understand that I only seek the better sake of us all.
I am starting my own site for the consulting services that I will someday provide to the type of companies that we work for (gaming sites). Your site has inspired me to continue pursuing my dream and I know that your knowledge will be more than valuable to my work and my life as a whole… THANK YOU!!!
To finish off, I would like to share a quote that has had a big impact on my outlook:
“Everything I’m not… makes me everything I amâ€
Michael
An unfolding leader
Michael
Thank you for your comment…and especially for the way you are applying transformation so honestly to your life and your work. What really comes through is your desire to reach out to your brother, and although there are never any guarantees that he will reach back toward you, the deeper benefit of your attempt is in what you must learn about yourself. There are so many tragedies in families and companies that come from failing to take the risk to reach out to one another. If in the end you find you cannot influence those you care about the most, you know, at least, that you held nothing back out of fear, resentment, or any other negativity. Then, although there may be something bittersweet, you are able to move ahead or move on in the right way. Transformation can have that bittersweet side.
I’m sure you have wondered often what will open the door to your brother. Time and again I have had to learn in my own relationships the important thing is offering choice — and sometimes this seems very hard or even unfair. Yet, there does not seem to be any universal key to another’s heart precisely because we are not one another’s property. (A point that gets easily lost in families and in companies, and is often the cause of violence and tragedy). Your brother must choose for himself, as you must choose for yourself, as well. When you choose, you find your own destiny — your own transformation — but you cannot make your brother choose a destiny he does not want on his own.
Michael, it is so clear that your path is as deep as your passion. Like the river that goes over the falls, your passion is what you must follow. Sometimes it takes a long time for the water to fill up sufficiently behind a barrier to its path, but eventually it will spill over, and that, of course, can be the transformation of love itself, no matter what the outcome. You become evermore who you really are, honoring your differences from all others as much as feeling connected to them.
Many best wishes to you, and thanks again for coming here to my site. Your presence has made it far richer.
Thank you for everything Dan! I look forward to reading and commenting more on your posts, which I know will lead me toward continuing to unfold my leadership.