Of course, there must have been plenty of evolutionary advantages to the enriched consciousness of being human. That goes without saying. As we grow as individuals and as a race, it becomes more apparent exactly what those advantages are.
I am coaching someone just now — I’ll call him Dave — who is working on a part of himself that is supremely reactive and aggressive. We even have a name for this part of him — here I’ll call it “Bad” Dave. When Bad Dave gets tweaked by circumstances, he can be demanding, obnoxious and incredibly pushy, including physically threatening. He lives for control and winning. Dave doesn’t like how it feels when Bad Dave takes over. That’s why he wants the coaching. My client is very, very smart and as a result anything that narrows him to simply being reactionary is exhausting and embarrassing. In his own words, “it’s just not who I am.”
Nevertheless, things happen. Over the last few weeks several incidents have occurred where Bad Dave has had his way: a loud, profane street argument over a parking space, an aggressive and dangerous response to a car following too closely, a brutally insulting conversation over a customer service problem, a near physical confrontation with a stranger who wasn’t “following the rules” at his apartment complex. In each case, my client says Bad Dave has shown up “like a caveman confronting a bear.”
“What’s triggering you in these situations?” I ask. “What do all these incidents have in common?”
We chew for awhile on that. It seems like in each case somebody has done something slightly unreasonable — it doesn’t have to be much of a provocation. It’s just a small act of “I’m in control, not you, man” and Bad Dave shows up blazing, using every ounce of machismo and cleverness and profanity available to him in order to drive the other person into the ground.
To be fair, Bad Dave, it turns out, has provided some positive services to my client over many years, and this too, is part of the problem. My client has been incredibly successful in his very competitive vocation as a result of harnessing Bad Dave’s energy. Bad Dave has made literally millions of dollars on behalf of Dave. He doesn’t take no for an answer and he is not at all afraid of high stakes environments and aggressive deals with mega-billionaires. In fact, he just loves it there. So you can imagine that Bad Dave has gotten lots of kudos and many rewards. The only problem is Bad Dave doesn’t really know where and when to stop. He’s a caveman who uses the primal energy behind him to get his way and stay in control. He’s a survivor and he’s a killer.
We discuss how it’s likely Bad Dave will show up increasingly because Dave is now well aware of him, and how different he is from the whole person I’m coaching. To use a different metaphor, it’s an internal political struggle within Dave’s soul between the real Dave, a king, and a spoiled, “dark prince” who has both gotten his way for a very long time and has proven his worth in protecting the king from all comers. But without a war, Bad Dave seems to have less purpose. Now he’s looking for battles. And he’s actually getting in the way. Bad Dave’s time is past, and he doesn’t like the idea of losing such a powerful place in Dave’s internal court.
Dave and I talk about slowing down the reactions; learning to watch for the flash of emotion that precedes Bad Dave going into action. What are those triggers?
And then, suddenly, a moment of insight. Every time is a mirror. In every incident it’s another Bad Dave that sets the wheel in motion. The incidents — somebody arguing about a parking space, somebody following too closely, a service person being insulting, a stranger not following the rules — guess who that is?
Bad Dave.
Bad Dave sees Bad Dave — like a cat that sees itself in a mirror and growls. It’s part of himself, frightened and aggressive. The bear sees the bear. The caveman sees his twin — and the fight is on.
Ohhh, what’s out there is in here! What’s in here is out there!
We are not talking about getting rid of Bad Dave. We are discussing how to honor him, honor his accomplishments — his past, most valuable service.
And also now how to handle his demotion.
Honoring Bad Dave may sound counter-productive, but in truth, trying to punish or suppress Bad Dave gives him even more energy. In part, there’s a lesson here about learning how to befriend the very parts of ourselves that can hurt us — and others.
As I say, consciousness must have had any number of evolutionary advantages. We sit back. Dave is calmer. He totally understands this.
“Maybe,” he says, “I really ought to get to know that bear a little better.”
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Hi Dan,
Interesting situation you describe. The question that pops to my mind is:
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Does “bad Dave” ever use his strong urge to fight to defend others who are being used or mistreated (minus the physical violence)?
He defends himself in ways that go too far.
By using his voice (not physical violence) to defend others, he can practice the appropriate limits and techniques.
The objectivity of helping someone else gives perspective that fighting for yourself cannot. It also replaces the “me” focus to an integrated focus with others.
I wish Dave all the best.
Kate
Great question, Kate. Yes, “Bad Dave” does want to defend others — and I’d say he does — but not entirely with the effect hoped for. “Defending” others can also take him to a pretty rough place. And, yes, he does go too far — although luckily, unlike so many others, he has asked for assistance. He absolutely knows there’s an issue and is quite genuine in his desire to shift his behavior. Part of the work for him will be talking over with those he most cares about the actual impact of “Bad Dave” episodes on them, something he’s not done in the past.
The very hopeful thing about this situation is that Dave, actually quite a fabulous guy, not Bad Dave, is the client.
Dan, Thank you for a very thought-provoking article. I like the idea of honoring Bad Dave for what he has accomplished. It is so easy to think there is nothing good that comes from him, but understanding him better does a great service for your client. I would love to hear how this situation evolves as you work with him.
Thanks for stopping by, Lyn. Yes, it has been very easy to judge Dave, and that’s been a loss for him and for others.
The point about honoring Bad Dave is crucial. The nobler aspects of the power Dave is overusing and sometimes distorting — becoming Bad Dave — should not be lost. Trying to suppress or isolate this part of him makes negative “eruptions” that much more likely. To influence him positively, give him his due, a place and a purpose.
Perhaps I will be able to report back later on my work with this client later. Thanks for putting that “bug in my ear.”
Good stuff, Dan.
I’d say “Bad Dave” is neither bad nor wrong. No judgment. He just is and is using some defended action to keep himself feeling safe or, as you say, in control.
The fact that he is conscious of this part of himself is terrific, and necessary for change to occur.
I’m curious if he could have achieved some of his “Bad Dave” successes without being “Bad Dave?” Perhaps a modest test might be in order in some future experience to be curious, to experiment without first resorting to “Bad Dave.”
I’m also curious when he first discovered “Bad Dave.” How old was he? What was happening and expplore how has he carried that young behavior (which kept him feeling safe and secure then) into adulthood where it is apparently causing him some flavor of pain and suffering.
Can he see that “that was then and this is now” and perhaps see an (energetic) difference or shift in how he might respond/react?
Finally, what is it like to give up his need to control? Who would he be(come) then? Is that the truth? Would he lose some sense of identity? Would that be ok? Would he feel like he’s disintegrating…and why? Can he experiment with this?
He truly is at the edge of this chapter of self-knowledge.
Peter — great to see you here!
You have offered some beautiful observations and questions (as I would have expected of you!)
There was a period of time when Dave learned, “Bad Dave,” and it’s a rich story of former relationships, love and death. To share too much more would be to compromise the anonymity of the post, but your question of consciousness re: “that was then, this is now” is absolutely on point. The story revolves around what it took to survive and succeed, as “Bad Dave” in the past and truly taught him to act as a hard-nosed survivor. There are, of course, family antecedents.
The great news is that Dave is seeing “Bad Dave” ever more clearly and separating useful behavior that may be merely competitive from other forms that are not just competitive but intimidating or threatening. Our work is to integrate the energy, and make sure it is not overused but finds a noble place in his interior court.
As you can imagine, that’s hard work, and I can’t say enough good things about Dave’s devotion to the work. We have recently talked a lot about the four stages of learning: moving from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence, and then to conscious competence and unconscious competence. We are studying what’s happening right now at the conscious incompetence stage, and that’s often a challenging and painful place where what was once a blind spot comes forward acutely.
As to your last question I would say that Dave is working toward a new form of authenticity and ethical behavior, is really beginning to envision himself there, and also is learning lots about trust, which he has sometimes tried in the past to create through control.
I will study your questions and observations further, Peter, as I can see their great value to our work.
Best to you
Dan
Hi Dan,
thanks for sharing this beautiful story.
Bad Dave is of course part of Dave itself, a shadowy facet that saved and made his life in the past.. Honoring Bad Dave sounds like the very right track to me, I would even say, learning to love him, understand him, empathize — when and why is he coming on the front, how does he (Bad Dave) feel, what does he think…
The mirror concept was a stoke of genius. Bad Dave becomes mad when he sees Bad Dave.. Anger is often a secondary emotion, a blanket thrown upon a deeper emotion that can’t come up — maybe fear, maybe sorrow, shame, … One possible avenue, more in the “psycho” side of things, would be to discuss with Bad Dave about his birth, his feelings, his history, and softly uncover the deeper story below the anger blanket.
On this track, having succeeded in expressing the meaning of his existence, perhaps Bad Dave will agree to get coser to Dave, cooperate, or somehow dissolve within Dave while “augmenting” him.. And he will probably remain available in case cleaning up the parking lot is really useful !