In truth, I am afraid of what I might hear.
I’m not sure I really want to know what others think of me.
I’d rather keep my illusions so that nothing will change.
But I am trapped, you see. I can never go back without dying.
If there is news for me, I must hear it.
If the words are unkind I must face them.
My heart is alive, but like a swarm of wasps.
What will prevent me from running?
Nothing, and yet I can’t do it.
What can assuage this wound to my ego?
Nothing, and so I will bear it, only sometimes looking to the side.
I will hear better if I know their love is also part of the truth.
Tomorrow, what will my hurt say? What will my anger?
Still I must cross this burning road as if only a field of blond summer grass.
In the end, giving up, I find a mystery: it is just the grass itself that is real
And the small blue flowers hidden in its folds.
Having finally listened and heard so much,
Now I can stop for one single, private moment.
At last, I can also hear the wind.
Hear Dan read this reflection.
Wow! As always, you have struck several chords that resonate deeply with me.
I admit to feeling somewhat self-conscious commenting on a post entitled “Feedback”, but I also find it nearly impossible to resist this opening.
I struggle with my desire to open to honest feedback, my hypersensitivity to any criticism, and my growing recognition that whatever “feedback” I offer others is as much for and about myself as anyone else (and thus I project the converse onto others).
I also struggle with my ego, and would like to more fully embrace Don Miguel Ruiz’ second agreement of “Don’t Take Anything Personally” (as well as his other three). I am increasingly willing to not take negative feedback personally, but I am still all too willing to take positive feedback personally. If I were more consistently able to recognize that any blame, shame or praise directed at me is simply a reaction to a reflection, I believe I could live a more centered life, less concerned with my ego, and focusing more on opening up the channels to the flow of energy within and through us all.
Um, I imagine it goes without saying that all the foregoing is simply a reaction to what your writing triggered within me, and may not be at all in alignment with what you were trying to convey :-).
Joe
Well, on one hand, this reflection is a bit of experimentation. These words can be a sort of mirror. I am hoping that whatever someone else sees in them is what they are meant to see… or need to see. This is afterall just a “reflection.” And Joe, you saw a lot. You saw your own struggle with ego and you also saw something of your own way out, including your desire to open up more “channels.”
On the other hand, this is surely a personal reflection, too, the most important part of which for me is the distinction between a “burning road” and a “field of blond summer grass,” which is like the illusion that somehow feedback will annihilate me, but it doesn’t. It’s more like the grass with “small blue flowers” caught in its folds. It’s natural and about a cycle of growth and death concealing all manner of unexpected gifts. The reference to wind at the end…even I don’t yet entirely understand what that means!
I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful, but I’m glad I get to see it.
Sweet!