Self-Truth: This voice provides ongoing assessment of the realities we must face — both the external and the internal ones. When impaired or not present, this voice can lead to self-deception and distortion. If there is “too much” self-truth we may be immobilized by its critical judgments that we misinterpret as truth. If “too little” we lose contact with reality.
Self-Kindness: This voice helps us experience our value, balanced with the humility brought by self-truth. When impaired or not present, it leads to loss of a sense of a stable self and identity. When “too much” we may become excessively self-protective, defensive and ego centered; when too little, we may drown in a sense of unworthiness or nihilism.
Destiny: This voice enabling us to trust and take action toward our fulfillment as human beings. When it is impaired or not present, we may end up having a sense that our lives are empty or wasted. When this voice is “too much” (too active) we can become haunted or driven by archetypes that are beyond our control; when “too little” we can become risk adverse and driven by convention.
In our individualistic culture, the balance between the voices of self-truth and self-kindness may be distorted — tipped toward extremes on one side or the other: too many inner judgments with too little self-protection or vice versa. I’m guessing this is why a contemporary trend in leadership toward stronger self-kindness is common given that too many leaders harbor and give too much weight to self-critical voices. The point is that without a better balance the voice of destiny and fulfillment has less of a chance to make itself known.
There are all kinds of problems when truth and kindness are out of balance — in either direction. Either in a self-protective and entitled way I think others are holding me back or I self-sabotage based on a belief I do not actually deserve a good life and therefore approach life cautiously as I worry about others’ judgments. When the voices are out of sync or distorted, a portal closes down, one that brings freedom, insight, and autonomy and is supportive of a person’s discoveries of what they find they are meant to do, what kind of leader they are meant to be. Without that portal, the intuitions that might carry me toward a sense of inner purpose and fulfillment remain buried. When I consider who I am meant to be, I feel like I’m facing a blank wall. Introspection seems to fail every time as I drift into conflicted thoughts and feelings. I may find myself giving up, both scoffing at the notion of a destiny, meaning or purpose while simultaneously and maybe unconsciously still yearning for their presence in my life.
What is this voice of destiny, anyway? It can feel too foggy at first and too intermittent to describe or trust. The portal opens slowly. Because it seems almost wordless, people can worry it is too spiritual, religious or mystical to understand or simply has no reality. That, itself, may be the voice of self-truth overacting its part and carrying too much rationalizing power. Just so, when the signals aren’t perfectly clear, the voice of self-kindness can also over-react, driving an individual into self-pity and victim-thinking instead of encouraging us to drop the bucket ever deeper into the well as a matter of responsibility. Somebody did something to me in the past and therefore fulfillment will never come — it’s not meant for me.
When, however, a person enacts the right balance, most often in a trusting and supportive environment and most often having won already won some hard-fought battles against whatever inner lies might be there, the voice of destiny makes its way forward, still wordless, perhaps, but present and powerful. Maybe it will appear simply as an image of one’s heart’s desire. With that image may come a sense of how truth and compassion look when they “collaborate.” Finally there is freedom to act. Our questions naturally transform and the inner world begins to awaken to its possibilities rather than repetitively drag itself through its imbalanced, competing functions. A person may find themselves asking and answering, “What do I really want? or What am I genuinely drawn to? or What is a good life for me? And the world can then become open, as well, and intensely beautiful. The next question arrives in its own time — which is to say perfectly on-time: “Indeed,” the voice of destiny asks, “what’s next?”
If you are interested in refining your capacity to find inner answers to challenging dilemmas, you may be interested in “The River Listens Workshop,” held in March 2024 in Sedona, Arizona. You can find out more about this small group learning event by accessing this downloadable pdf brochure.
Dan,
Your article suggests that if these voices are out of balance, we might face problems in life, might think others are holding us back, or we might not believe in ourselves. You emphasize the importance of balancing these voices to find our purpose and destiny. Furthermore, the voice of destiny might seem unclear or hard to trust, but when we strike the right balance among the voices, we understand what we want and our life becomes more meaningful. It is essential to understand and listen to these internal voices to make the best decisions for our lives. We must acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses, be kind to ourselves, and strive towards our goals with determination.
In my years of working with clients, formally and informally, one of the questions I always ask is “what gets in the way of…” (In this case balance between and among the voices)
It may seem trite, not intellectual enough, off the mark, etc. but in all of my years of experience one thing I found to be true is that our physical health is integral to sustaining a harmonious balance among the three internal voices. A healthy diet, regular exercise, ample sleep, and stress management are crucial facets of maintaining this equilibrium. When we are physically fit, we foster a healthier Self-Truth, as we are better equipped to face realities and accept truths about ourselves. Exercise, for instance, is known to boost self-esteem and positivity, nurturing the voice of Self-Kindness. Adequate rest and stress management techniques, on the other hand, provide mental clarity and focus, key elements in hearing our voice of Destiny. Therefore, physical health is not just an aspect of our well=being, but also a catalyst that enables these voices to function in a way that supports us positively, rather than negatively.
Great food for thought, Dan!! Thank you.
Lovely, Peter. I heartily agree. When we are physically at our best and caring for ourselves through nutritious food, adequate sleep, and exercise, we are better equipped to keep other aspects of our lives in balance.
BTW, Do you know the book, “No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model” by Richard Schwartz. I think you’d like it a lot as it suggests whatever voices we attend to in ourselves fall into categories. The more we understand those categories, the better able we are to release apparently negative ones to play different, more constructive internal roles. A voice that seems harsh and self-critical can be present mostly to protect a person from doing themselves some kind of harm. If we can sensitively inquire what role that part of us would like to play, we may find that what we once was a painful, dark, “bad” part actually would like to assume a different role in our lives. It’s very good. A nice gift to self and Self.
Thanks again for your engagement in the dialogue, Peter!
Dan, I’m familiar with Internal Family Systems but not with Richard Schwartz in the sense I have not read him personally.
I also come from a different “school of thought” with respect to those inner voices. My training has been to understand that these voices that are judgmental in some way, shape or form are not “me,” but are the voices of every authority figure I’ve had in my life beginning in early childhood, first with the mother, and parents or primary caregivers, immediate family, relatives, friends, teachers, clergy, etc., etc. Over time, not having processed source of these voices, we go through life believing these voices are “me.”
Once we understand that concept, we can begin to use the tools that are helpful in giving us perspective, on the one hand, and the mental, physical (bio-energetics) and psycho/spiritual capacities and resources to stand back and view ourselves from without, with separation, so that we can more easily access our inner resources: — Essential will, strength, courage, Right Knowing, Right Understanding and Right Action, etc. to move forward from the place of inner peace and calm and responsiveness rather than emotional reactivity.
But, that’s just me. Thanks again for the interesting article.
Peter~
A favorite question I ask when discussing personal patterns in thinking, feeling or behavior is “Who did you learn that from?” or “Where did you learn that?” For me, one element of that conditioning goes back to the Hofman Quadrinity Process. See: https://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/the-process/. And oddly enough, another strand goes back to work in human resources in the distant past in which I learned something about behavioral patterns via construction of assessment centers. I’m a big believer in stepping back, learning to observe self. See also, the Hermit card in the Tarot.
Effective questions, Dan. Root Cause stuff. Another one, “Is that the first time you felt that way?” As you, tracing back to the source — being curious about patterned behavior. Few emotional reactions are “one-offs.” The Hermit…very cool! Introspection and solitude — the way in ‑where the “answers” almost always live. Love this stuff, Dan. Challenging for me at the outset of my spiritual journey…and now much easier for me to be more curious than defensive and/or resistant.