As a coach who works with all kinds of leaders, it’s inevitable that a certain percentage don’t come voluntarily. That doesn’t mean they aren’t excited to work with me; it means somebody else has said they need to find someone to work with — in some cases with an implied “or else.” What I find in working with this group is not resistance to me or the process of coaching, but sometimes to their own turn toward self-reflection and self-leadership.
It’s hard when you’ve been told you have a problem to accept that indeed you have a problem. The natural response is to explain away, avoid or block certain information. With some clients, it’s apparent this has all happened before and so now it may be a kind of intellectualized game. With others, it’s a very genuine effort to find a way to support themselves in the face of negative, maybe devastating feedback.
There are lots of reasons why someone would resist difficult information — a typical explanation being that it violates a person’s self-concept in some way. The individual is getting information that says, “you are not who you think you are.” And when identity is on the line you can bet the internal psychological protection systems move to high alert. If there’s been trauma, the person may suddenly revert to whatever coping mechanism they’ve used in the past: shutting down, falling down a rabbit-hole of guilt or shame, or dissociating from their feelings, often in favor of arguments and intense denials, cover-ups and minimization. Diminishing the importance of the feedback and the person’s impact on others are common.
The point is that there’s something missing in the response and the person has lost some capacity to accept responsibility for part of their thoughts, feelings and behavior. Others pick up on that blind spot quickly. Well-meaning friends and colleagues may have tried to give the person feedback. Yet those attempts consistently died in denials and doubling downs. People give up. “The person’s just not coachable” they say. Others do their best to work around the problem, but inevitably difficult behavior creates mistrust and if that behavior becomes too egregious, it draws forth some form of organizational action — the letter of counsel, for example, along with referral to someone like me.
I’ve found it useful to remember that there have certainly been times in my own life when I’ve resisted the turn toward self-confrontation and responsibility, as probably we all have now and again — as hard as that might be to acknowledge. We have our own patterns of too much or too little shame, with the effect that neither pattern offers an accurate reflection of who we are. Sometimes, I know for myself it has taken a long time — years — to make the turn.
There is a beautiful Latin phrase — mea culpa. It means, “my fault” or “through my fault.” Although its origin is in a Catholic prayer of confession, I think we can easily enough cut any strands that somehow tie this phrase to religion. To me it is more like a signpost at a very predictable crossroad. Can you go down that road? If you can, the way may be rocky and you’ll sweat. And if you cannot, then you inevitably enter a crowded city where everyone is a separate competitor, where you’ll have to prove now and forever that you were right after all, again and again.
That is a hell of a price. And, of course, the price isn’t so clear in the beginning. As a client of mine told me the other day: “I see lots of professional colleagues who are okay apologizing over little things — the late RSVP, the ‘sorry I missed the meeting’ note, the ‘I was trying to be funny’ apology.” He continued, “but they have a much harder time when it comes down to the bigger stuff — the pattern of undermining decisions, the negative (and maybe sexist or racist) characterization of someone else’s work, the patronizing exclusions, the betrayals of confidences. Called out on that stuff, there’s no end to the rationalizations.” He’s describing the classic example of a slippery slope.
How then do we coach ourselves? How do we even get there, to that moment when a genuine mea culpa is viewed as strength? Because without it growth is slowed and maybe denied altogether.
I think that’s a question that has to be answered internally and for yourself alone — which is precisely what gives it its power. Such is the nature of a crossroads. It requires you to make a personal choice. If the crossroad is real, it requires you make the turn fully on your own.
Dan, I’ve been reading your posts for some time. I think this is your best to date.
Some reflections:
Resistance to acknowledging one’s own flaws or shortcomings is a common human response, often rooted in the fear of dismantling one’s self-concept.
Resistance is the mechanisms to protect one’s ego from perceived threats. Reactivity stems from a disconnection from one’s core essence.
Often childhood trauma can exacerbate this resistance, causing individuals to resort to familiar coping mechanisms as you so well point out, Dan. (And, it’s important to understand that these coping mechanisms can be unlearned and replaced with healthier approaches through self-reflection and self-compassion.)
The concept of “mea culpa” symbolizes the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions, acknowledging personal faults and embracing vulnerability.
In spiritual psychology, this act is seen as a powerful step toward self-liberation. It’s a recognition that growth and transformation come from acknowledging and learning from mistakes rather than defending or rationalizing them.
To coach ourselves and others in this journey of self-awareness and embracing the “mea culpa” mindset, coaches, therapists, psychologists, social workers, and other helping professional turned to several practices:
Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Regular mindfulness practices and introspective exercises can pave the way for understanding one’s patterns of resistance and avoidance.
Compassionate Self-Inquiry: Instead of judgment, approach self-inquiry with self-compassion. Ask questions like, “Who or what is my resistance protecting? What deeper fears are at play?”
Shadow Work: exploring the parts of ourselves we’ve disowned or denied. It requires courage to face these aspects and integrate them into our conscious awareness.
Radical Acceptance: Embracing the idea that growth involves accepting imperfections. Acceptance doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior; it means acknowledging it without judgment and committing to change.
Cultivating Vulnerability: Embracing vulnerability allows one to dismantle their walls of self-defense and connect with others on a deeper, authentic level.
Spiritual Practices: Engage in practices that foster connection with one’s spiritual self. Meditation, contemplation, and prayer can support your journey toward self-awareness.
I’ve often believed that when the “pain” (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual and/or psychological) gets too great, often, not always, but often one will turn to seek support.
I also believe that it’s a long life and if folks don’t “get it” in this lifetime, they’ll get it in the next, or the next. But, eventually, everyone is going “home.” It’s just that the journey is different for each pilgrim.
Thanks so much for this!
Peter –
As always, you’ve added depth and breadth to my post. Part of the challenge does seem to be that the steps you’ve listed are ones that people choose. They adopt these practices, but there is always a question of how the initial choice happens, the first choice to acknowledge the blind spot, to accept that yes I am at least part of the problem? The other practices then are released.
Pain can do it, distress of all kinds can push people toward reflection, but not always. There’s no guarantee that just because someone is suffering, they will automatically turn to examine how they are themselves the source of this suffering. So the problem I am presenting here is one of the initial turn, making that turn. The “crossroad” is just a metaphor for a moment of self-confrontation and self-acceptance. A spark, a bud, the sound of water as a frog jumps into the pond — something illuminates the moment and a turn becomes possible, when the person is ready. But what do we mean by “ready?”
“The “crossroad” is just a metaphor for a moment of self-confrontation and self-acceptance. A spark, a bud, the sound of water as a frog jumps into the pond — something illuminates the moment and a turn becomes possible, when the person is ready”
Agree, Dan. Each person’s soul responds in its on unique way, and no response is a response. And, yes, it’s not always about pain. I think ready means that one’s soul says it’s time to take a next step and this nudge, or pull, maybe grand, maybe subtle, is the energy that supports this transition.
The mystery.